My Experience With Queer Dating Apps and Social Platforms.

An anonymous writer shares their own experiences.

Dating? Am I doing it wrong? Maybe asking too much? A horde of people with misplaced priorities. Most of the people I ended up interacting with were either, - Bored and needed something to keep them busy for a while, Or horny and needed someone to hook up with for the night. In the rare instance that I got to match with someone,I would be so happy not knowing that the joy would be short-lived. Cause soon afterward you will realize either they can't hold a good conversation via text and/or they have toxic energy. And with how fragile we are as a society, you'd rather let them go, cause you don't have to force stuff with anyone.

So, if you managed to have online chemistry, in which case a person replies fast enough and gives all the right answers to the weird interview like questions people ask on them sites, then you would move to change the medium of communication from the online dating site to preferably WhatsApp or calls and text. That itself is an accomplishment. To be able to move from where you met each other to another site. If this pseudo-relationship survives the transition and y'all are able to maintain contact and still communicate, then the final hope would be that the universe will let it go on.

The only hardly is that if you don't meet up within a week, all energy will be lost. And recovering that is tough. So you finally decide to meet, still praying that one of you doesn't ghost the other.I for one, don't know why people ghost one another. It's just for the ones who are emotionally weak and can't express their emotions to someone fully. Like if I don't like you, or you don't impress me that much, I will just let it out of my heart and tell you, instead of letting you second guess yourself for a long time. We are all human and the least we deserve is to be treated like one. It tells so much about somebody if they are the kind to ghost another, and not just anyone but a prospective partner. We finally get to the day for the meet-up. And there is still a great possibility that some humans may not show up.

It's like being stood up at the altar, with a ring at hand. They finally show up, and sometimes they get there before you. And what if it's not whom you expected? Youth employment in Kenya is fickle; especially in my line of work. At times, it comes down to paltry optics and being the most politically correct candidate in the room. My initial progress in ‘coming out and being publicly comfortable with who I am and who I have grown to become is facing a significant impediment from personal ambition.

Again, I find myself in an almost impossible situation. Over the years, I have had the prerogative to have my voice acknowledged in critical fora and my expanding expertise constantly lends credence to my opinions. Not too pretty enough? Cause pictures do lie and filters are a damn bitch! Not the right height, body size, or even complexion in some instances. It is not that I prefer any of these, but we live in a very superficial world and we actually got humans who look for such features in a prospective partner. How does someone's personality change if they are darker? I don't know too. The physical attributes of someone don't really define someone. You might have silently ghosted your soul mate just because he or she wasn't slim or dark enough.


But it's within human nature to be very choosy, I think that's what they call a type. So now, we're onto the first date at whatever place y'all might have chosen. Be it uptown or downtown. It gets really awkward cause one doesn't really know how to kickstart it. It is an unconventional type of dating and it doesn't really come with a written manual of instructions. So one person starts it off by throwing in a question, maybe on something they mutually like. Remember they'd already ascertained mutual interests before meeting up. And also you want to set the mood right, so it doesn't seem like the other party is in an interview. You fully resist the interview-like questions, cause it might help you score a second date. Blah blah blah, the date happens. Ideally within the first few minutes, one should already know if the relationship thing is really happening, you can judge if the other person is really worth your time. Or maybe you just got lucky for a one-time interaction. Free food with an amazing hot date and a perfectly boring soul. Seventy percent of the time, you all mutually ghost each other. And let's just say it's perfectly normal to display such alien behavior.

In the rare instance that you all don't ghost each other, then maybe it was a lucky day. You try to keep in contact amidst the busy schedule in today's world. So you bag yourself a second or even third date. And now it's more of an official thing. And a side note is that by the second date, one way or the other sex might have already happened. This continual cycle of ghosting and unghosting is not the best thing I would wish even my worst enemy. The toll on someone's mental health and the feeling of not being good enough in the other world can be hard. So every day you ask yourself, does it have to be this hard dating while queer?

One of my favorite lines comes into mind, ''As hard as it is navigating life when you are not conventionally attractive, navigating queerness is harder. And it breaks me every day, It is exhausting to be constantly undone by something you have little control over. Particularly in a community that seems to value that over all else.''

So I withdrew from dating apps, cause my expectations weren't being met and I was kinda frustrated and embarrassed. Then I came to the realization that we are in this struggle together. Being queer doesn't give one so many options of how to meet people. So this is a queer struggle, plus the blatant homophobia in this side of the world shames most of us to hide our truths. That may not be the everyday scenario for everyone, but for a person who has met multiple people off dating sites and still continues to use such apps just out of boredom. I am a sucker for talking to strangers on the internet, however, how risky it is, there is a level of satisfaction it gives my soul. If my stars align well, then I get to secure myself a prospective partner.

Amandla Magazine

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